When feeling squashing fails

It’s supposed to be the most exhilarating time in your young adult life, right?

The stepping stone from college into the career that you have worked for, dreamed for, planned for. At least that’s what I’ve been told. But in May of 2020 I found myself like the rest of the country’s graduates, disheartened and disappointed. The culmination of everything I had worked for as a nursing student halted to an end as we were sent home in March before graduation, pinning, the whole works. I had to say an unexpected goodbye to the life and friends I had known for 4 years as I made my way back from Pensacola Christian College to Northern Indiana. So when my dear friend Hannah asked me earlier this spring, “What is the most important thing God has taught you the most this year?” I didn’t have a great answer! - Intense disappointment? How to do online classes with a broken heart and no motivation? I was determined to stay in my self-made pity hole for a while after wondering why God would take away my perfect college ending. Fast forward to summer, God had blessed me with my dream job and allowed me to pass my boards. I was going to be an ER nurse at a trauma center! Okay, I’ll put aside my unanswered “whys,” maybe things aren’t so bad.

Did you know I am a professional feeling squasher?

Or at least I pretend that I am most of the time. My mind is a constant game of—“So why did…?” *squash* “Don’t think about that right now; there’s better things to be concerned with.” “I don’t understand why God...” *squash* - “Keep going, work another shift, you’ll forget about it.” If I thought I was done with questions in my heart that I could not get around, I was very wrong. 4 months into life as a new nurse and the cases began building.

My sweet, elderly patient was bleeding internally. But I helped stabilize him. He said he was feeling better. I talked to his precious wife who was not allowed in the hospital. I explained his care and assured her we would do everything we could for him, that he wouldn’t be alone. I received a text the next night, “Hey remember so and so? He got to ICU and didn’t make it.”

Why, God?

I was way beyond the brief disappointment of canceled college.

Then there was the special needs infant that we thought just had the flu but had actually developed a head bleed. The look in Mom’s eyes as she faced the sixth hospitalization of that year was heartbreaking.

Why, God?—I was beginning to fail at the squashing game.

The child pulled from a car and rushed into the department. I only heard the broken phrases: “Not responding.” “Covered in bruises”. “Non- accidental trauma.” “We’re intubating.” I saw the limp form of a little girl who had clearly been beaten. The wails of the mom when she was notified and brought to the room will not be easily forgotten.

The child passed away three days later.

Why, God?

Every question that I pretended did not exist came spilling out. I doubted characteristics about God I had never even contemplated. I remember asking God out loud in my car, “Are you good? Because nothing of what I’m seeing is what I would consider good!”

My skill at feeling-squashing was falling apart with the age old question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

My soul raged on to God, “If You are all powerful, then why didn’t You stop that little girl’s dad from beating her?”

I was in turmoil and I needed to find answers. (So I thought). I went to a trusted source: Dan, my Sunday school teacher. The worth of godly counsel in a time of shaken faith is invaluable. We went back to the basics. He took me to Job and pointed out that we expect the end result where Job’s life is restored. We expect God to give him an “Atta boy!” for all he went through. But we forget about the part where God demands in chapter 37, verse 14, “Hear this, O Job; stop and consider the wondrous works of God, and goes on for 3 chapters about His incredible power and wondrous works.

No explanation for Job’s sorrows.

No reasoning for the intense trouble he had encountered.

And finally, verse 2 of chapter 40 asks the question that made me stop for the first time in my quest to understand an infinite God:

“Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it.”

Dan, so wisely, made me realize this: I may want reasons and logic for what happens in life, but God is under no obligation to give that to me.

I cannot possibly understand how He works or why He allows what He does, but that is what makes him God and me human.

I did not get answers, but I got more of God.

My relationship with Him had become dry and second-place to my new job and new responsibilities.

But these questions sent my thirsty soul plunging into His Word, consciously evaluating and comprehending what I came across.

Deuteronomy 32:39 reads, “See now that I, even I, am He, and there is no god with Me: I kill, and I make alive; I wound, and I heal: neither is there any that can deliver out of My hand.”

When I surrendered myself to the truth that God can do whatever He wants and it may never make sense—but He is All Mighty and can do so—only then did I find peace.

He can allow a pandemic. He can allow weddings and trips to be canceled. He can allow death and sadness to come upon individuals, which may never seem “good” to our mortal eyes. But He is God and He is good.

He is everything He ever said, whether it matches our cognition or not.

So if you find yourself doubting God, baffled at life’s circumstances, or questioning everything you thought to be true—search Him. He will not crumble when placed on trial; His case comes out victorious every time. And the most astounding part of it? He does not give up on us in our doubting. When my faith is failing me, He does not abandon. No, never. He brings alongside His Word and godly encouragement to guide, if you’ll reach for it. He gently helps my soul back to the place it needs to be—all while remaining a holy, powerful God.

Romans 11:33-34 says, “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?”